In his book "The Bridge Across Forever," Richard Bach asks the question, "Have you ever felt alone in a world of strangers, missing someone you have never met?" The book goes on to describe his search for a partner in life, what he calls a "soul mate." I believe that all of us have a profound desire to find someone with whom to have a deep and abiding, intimate relationship. This search springs from a longing inside each of us to find completion and wholeness with another person. We fear what I we want most Let's take a look at some of the obstacles to finding this kind of relationship. Fear of intimacy We human beings are fairly complicated. Many people deeply fear the very thing they most want. Striking a healthy balance between a fear of and a desire for an intimate relationship can be very difficult. When a fear of intimacy takes over, people can become experts at relationship sabotage. Faulty relationship radar. Some people continually make the same poor choices of partner. It's as if each of us had an "internal radar" that picks up "our kind" of person. Whether your radar scans for healthy or unhealthy choices depends on how it is set. How your internal radar, is set depends on three factors: 1) your self-esteem, 2) the model of relationships set by the family in which you grew up and 3) your own relationship experience. Movies, literature and music have given us the notion that "somewhere out there" is the one perfect person for each of us. I'll probably get some letters about this, but I don't think this matches reality. If you just look around, you'll notice that many "perfect matches" are divorced within a few years. In one episode of the 1-V show "MASH" is a scene in which Hawkeye and Margaret are sitting at a bar commiserating about their relationships, which have just ended. One says to the other, "Our problem is that we keep looking I for a perfect, tailored fit in an offthe-rack world.". This is where a great many people get stuck. It's my belief that in fact there are many people out there who have the potential to be a "good fit" as a soul mate. Chain relationships. In much the same way that chain smokers will smoke one cigarette after another, some people move out of one relationship and then immediately into another'. These people are typically running from something and have very little knowledge or sense of self when they are not in, relationships. Concentrate on yourself Now that we have looked at a few of the obstacles to finding a soul mate, let's consider a few tips that might aid in the search. Becoming the right person vs. looking for the right person This means at least two things: 1) developing yourself to the point that you become eligible to be someone's right person and 2) adjusting your own relationship radar so that you bring yourself into contact with suitable potential partners. The truth of this has been borne out in my interviews with hundreds of couples. When I ask the question "How did you two find each other?" countless people say that, when they stopped looking and focused on something else in their lives, their current partners just showed up. It's an interesting paradox - finding by not looking. Know what you are looking for I was on a radio program recently when a man phoned in to say that going to singles meetings looking for a partner is like going to a used-car lot to find a nice car. I bet he gets lots of dates. That aside, a different car analogy is useful here. When we go shopping for a car, we usually have a mental list of things we must have in a car as well as things we would like to have. Sometimes, we find one with many things we would like to have, but without one of the must-haves. It would still drive OK, but it's just not for us. Looking for a soul mate, it's important to know what you would like to have and what you must have. That's a list worth developing. |
