Building a long lasting relationship is hard work and requires both intensive and sustained efforts. In a brand new relationship, such as when two partners first meet, the novelty of the mutual reaction alone can generate excitement, desire, and lust. After a period of months or years, more effort is required to keep that excitement alive. The intensity of those heady first days relaxes into infatuation, then affection, then habit. We take each other for granted because of a long history of caring and mutual support. To reinvigorate our feelings toward each other, we can seek to rekindle that initial appreciation of all that our loved one means to our lives. We concentrate too often on our inadequacies. We feel that our bodies are imperfect and can never measure up to the impossible standards of popular culture. Repetitive, positive feedback can counter these negative obsessions. We need to assure our partners on a recurrent, frequent basis of our personal admiration and appreciation of our partner's attributes. Feeding our partner's ego accomplishes so much more than simply creating a pleasant home environment. It develops goodwill and the willingness to take risks and dare. It allows us the space to discuss our feelings and our dreams. It boosts our regard for each other and our mutual respect. Too often we divide our lives into isolated compartments. There is our work life, our social life, our family life, and our sex life. No matter how much we try to keep them separate, they spill over into each other and become inextricably mixed together. If there is friction or a lack of affection and support in our everyday interactions, it will carry over into our intimate moments. There is a tendency to think that any interpersonal problems can be resolved by an intense session of making love. The divorce courts are littered with the debris of partners who recollect that "The sex was okay, it was everything else." Assuming that you are not heading for a split but merely want to invigorate the level of your relationship, take a look at how the different aspects of your life inter-relate. Great sex doesn't exist in a vacuum, it is an extension of what we are. A warm, satisfying, continually stimulating intimate relationship requires attention to our entire relationship, both in and out of bed. The habit of taking each other for granted throughout the day leads to lackluster intimacy at night. Developing an attitude of appreciation for each other requires awareness and a focus on each other throughout the day. The behaviors we associate with intimacy - flirting, touching, kissing, and stroking - stay fresh only with constant practice. Push the demands of work and family into their proper place, well below the primary partnership in your life, that special union with your lifelong mate. Try to incorporate the intimacy of your sex life into everyday interactions. A quick telephone call or a voice mail message reminds our partner that they are always on our mind, no matter the demands of work and career. An e-mail listing the things we especially love about our mate can be saved and revisited when life is bleak and boring. A note tacked to the refrigerator can make our partner smile with anticipation when they come home to an empty house. None of us can ever get too much appreciation or too much positive feedback. It makes us feel good about ourselves, more secure, and more confident - all qualities that spill over into our intimate moments and put the fire back into our sexual games. |
