Continued... About a year later I met my husband. I met him through his youngest sister and we were inseparable. We began to fight a lot after his ex started coming in to the picture and I could not handle it. She was a pain in my ass. She was always at his house for special occasions and for holidays, always in my life, always in his and nobody seemed to get it. I got pregnant again and made it to 4 and half mths and its heart stopped and I had to have surgery again. I went through that by myself. He wasnt there and I resented that but I still wanted to be with him. A few years later pregnant again. It was in the tubes ,had to have the tube and baby removed, lost that one. He was very upset about that one. The doctor said stop, quit trying. I went home and prayed. We got married in between those times. I prayed and I prayed, God, just give me a son and I will never ask for another child again. About 6 mths later my wish and prayer was answered. I knew I was pregnant before I even had the test, and I knew it would be a boy and everything would be ok. I also knew he would be born at Christmas time. God blessed me with a son, I believe I had him at Christmas to heal my heart and to allow me to enjoy the holidays again. I am eternally grateful and I kept my promise. Back to my husband. I always felt like I wasnt good enough for him, like I was second to him, that he really wanted the ex and since he couldnt have her I would do. I felt like I pressured him to get married because I said if you dont I will leave you. We had been together for 4 yrs and I had wasted enough time. It was time to move forward. After all that we ended up having all that trouble and I feel like I stayed for along time because of Dakota. I wanted him to be happy and have a family, to not have the life I led. I love Dakota with all of my heart. I want him to be happy. My biggest fear was not being the mom he needed me to be. The best I could do may not be good enough. I always felt if I do nothing else right this will be the one I get right. But I doubted myself constantly. I didnt know what the right decisions were at the time. We ended up getting a divorce. |
